Really bad, but punny...
Feb. 12th, 2004 03:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
webbgirl1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one naturally, became known as the lesser
of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during the root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But
why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can't stand chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer.
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Why he asks. They're only twins. If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
8. These friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat
up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only
Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one naturally, became known as the lesser
of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during the root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But
why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can't stand chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer.
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Why he asks. They're only twins. If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
8. These friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat
up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only
Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2004-02-12 03:58 pm (UTC)Love the Ghandi one and this...
"If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Bwhahahahahaha!
Re:
on 2004-02-12 04:12 pm (UTC)I love #8.
no subject
on 2004-02-12 04:28 pm (UTC)Very funny. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lick your Paul icon.
Re:
on 2004-02-12 04:29 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2004-02-12 04:35 pm (UTC)nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Bwahahahaha - still peeing - oh! OH! Make it stop!
Re: Here goes another one
on 2004-02-12 04:45 pm (UTC)"Hello Ms. MacIntyre. My name is Fred and I'm looking for a loan to do some home improvements. Can you help me out?"
The loan officer was taken aback. She had never had a frog as a customer before. "Well...sir, we do require collateral for any loans. Do you have something of value that you can put up?"
"Of course." answered Fred. "Here you go."
He handed her a small version of the Statue of Liberty.
She looked at it for several minutes. "Well, sir I'm not sure if we can accept this. I'll need to check with my manager."
The loan officer called for her manager to come to her desk. When he arrived, he looked carefully at the miniature statue.
He turned to the loan officer and said, "It's a knickknack Patty Mac, give the frog a loan."
Re: Here goes another one
on 2004-02-12 04:47 pm (UTC)Re: Here goes another one
on 2004-02-12 04:59 pm (UTC)A rabbi was feeling somewhat apathetic about his faith for some time. He decided to go on a spiritual journey to see if he could regain the passion he had lost.
He traveled all across the world, but he still couldn't find the inner-peace he was looking for. Finally he ended up high in the mountains of Tibet. He met a man who told him of a tribe called the 'Trid'. According to the man, the Trid were the most spiritually-balanced people on Earth.
The rabbi decided he had nothing to lose, so he decided to search out the Trid and find out their secret.
After several days, he found the Trid high in the mountains. They were indeed a happy, peaceful people. He asked if he could stay with them for awhile so that he could observe their spiritual practices. The Trid were a very friendly people and readily agreed.
After a couple of weeks, the rabbi noted that the Trid all went further up the mountain every three days. He decided to follow them.
What he saw shocked him. Each Trid would step forward, bend over and wait. A giant foot would come out of the sky and kick the Trid in the rear end. Each and every Trid came away with a look of peace and contentment on his/her face.
The rabbi observed the ritual three times. He decided after the third time, that he would try it himself. He waited for the Trid to leave and he went and stood in the same exact spot. He stood waiting for several minutes and nothing happened.
He returned to the village and found the Trid elder. He admitted that he had observed their ritual and had stood in the spot himself. He wondered why the foot did not come out of the sky for him.
The village elder answered him with a smile. "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
Okay folks, that's it for those for me tonight. Hope you enjoyed the floorshow.
Re: Here goes another one
on 2004-02-12 05:13 pm (UTC)Re: Here goes another one
on 2004-02-12 05:19 pm (UTC)Sorry about the laundry issues. *vbeg*
Re: Here goes another one
on 2004-02-12 05:27 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2004-02-12 08:50 pm (UTC)4! x)